Reverend Peter Marshall's Commentary Archive

Thoughts on True Masculinity and Femininity

Why do you not know how to interpret the present time? (Luke 12:5) 

"Summertime,
And the livin' is easy
Fish are jumpin'
And the cotton is high."

     There may not be any cotton on Cape Cod, but the fish are definitely jumpin' and the tourist season is in full swing. That means beautiful beach weather, and to go with it, roads choked with the tourists' vans and SUV's. The words to the old "Porgy n' Bess" song came to mind this week, because having sent in the manuscript for the revised new edition of The Light and the Glory, yours truly is in a kind of relax-and-enjoy-the-summer mood. I might even get to the beach this weekend (which people who live here year-round don't always do!).

While taking some quiet time this week to pray and reflect and seek God's guidance I read a book that proved to be an incredible blessing to me. It was given to me several years ago, and at the time I put it in my pile of "that looks like a good book, but I don't want to get into it right now - maybe some day" books, and forgot about it. But, I truly believe the Lord wanted me to read it this week. I was sorting through the aforesaid pile, and noticing that I had previously read a few pages of it and put it aside, I decided to see what the rest of it contained. The book is entitled: Healing the Masculine Soul, by Gordon Dalbey. You know how it seems sometimes that God has ordained that you read a certain book at a certain time, because the book impacts you with just what you needed at that period in your life? That was my experience this week. Dalbey's book not only confirmed much that I already knew, but gave me some new insights as well.

So, herewith some thoughts gleaned from the book:

The number one social problem in our society may very well be the breakdown of the American family, primarily due to the inability of husbands and fathers to fulfill their God-ordained roles. This failure on the part of us men is responsible for the high divorce rate and the rise of homosexuality - in my view both directly traceable to a lack of Godly masculinity in family relationships.

There is a verse in Ephesians (3:15) about which I've always been a bit puzzled. "For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named." I have wondered what the point of that is, exactly. I now understand that it means that our Father God defines and creates the relationships in families - He is the source of our identity as male, female, husband, wife, father, mother, son, daughter, brother, and sister. By looking at the way marriage and family relationships naturally tend to play out in life, and then looking at what the Bible teaches us about God's intentions for those relationships, we can come to understand why God (who is both Father and Mother God) primarily reveals Himself in Holy Scripture as Father, and not as Mother. Ladies, please understand that I am not being chauvinistic here, or putting women down in any way. Rather, I believe that God the Father is the only one who can help women come into their true and full femininity, just as I believe that God the Father is the only one who can help men come into their true and full masculinity.

In the third chapter of Genesis we read that Adam (God gave Adam this privilege) gives Eve her name, calling her "the life-giving one," or "the mother of all living." Eve is the source of human life; the female brings forth new life. This is the natural way of all flesh - the mother is the source of vitality.

But, the Bible tells us that this natural life-giving role of the mother has to be eclipsed by the supernatural role of our heavenly Father. We need a new and supernatural life from His hands - "You must be born again," Jesus tells us. It is interesting that as old-line Protestant denominations of the Church have increasing percentages of female members, goddess religions have made serious inroads in these branches of the Church. Gaia-type belief systems have roots in idolatry of the natural woman/mother, and thus have nothing supernatural to offer. Escaping from the bounds of the flesh requires a supernatural solution, which only the Creator God can give.

At some point in life's journey, both boys and girls must break free from the mother/woman as the source of vitality and power, and yield to Jesus as the source of power and life. Many women have found themselves crying out for someone to deliver them from the natural compulsion to control the lives of others, which is what years of being the life-giving source of vitality for children and husband can easily turn into. And boys cannot become men capable of exercising Godly power in the world as protectors and providers, men who have mastered themselves and thus can execute justice in society and right its wrongs, unless they have separated from their mothers and given themselves to One who is greater than their earthly fathers. Only such men can properly bond with a woman, for a boy can never find his manhood with women. A boy who has never properly separated from his mother, nor found his true manhood with his Father God, will either be what Dalbey calls a "wormboy" - continually surrendering or meekly backing off from honestly coming to grips with the woman he loves because he is afraid of her rejection and wants to keep her happy with him - or he will resort to coercion and force and threats to try and make the woman submit to his boyish selfishness, which she can never respect.

But, as men begin to reach their true masculinity in relation to God the Father, they are able to love their wives and help them reach their true femininity. Dalbey says, and I think he's right, that every woman is a princess held captive by an inner "wicked stepmother - the false feminine maternal source, which would keep her bound as a self-centered child." She longs for a prince who is able to set her free, but she may even fight against him and sometimes choose the stepmother within her over him. He must know when to lovingly persist, and when to let her alone to decide who she wants to be. That knowledge he can only gain from his own relationship with God. Dalbey relates the story of a counseling session with a couple that were both very angry with each other, because on a family trip to an amusement park the wife had constantly nagged and criticized the husband, and he had just backed off and retreated into silence, which made her all the more angry, of course. When Dalbey asked the wife what she had really needed from her husband that day, she replied that she wished that he had made her stop. "I was out of control and ... I needed you to help me get back in control of myself." She admitted that she would probably react in anger at first, but that she wanted him to love her enough to persist with her and not give up. Of course, he will only learn how to do this with God's help.

Jesus, who lived the perfect manly life, modeled proper separation from his mother for us when He was twelve. It's contained in Luke 2:41-50, the story of Jesus being separated from his parents when they returned home after attending the Passover feast in Jerusalem. After frantically searching everywhere for Him, they finally found Him in the Temple, sitting in the midst of the Scribes and Pharisees, listening and asking questions. Mary poured out her motherly concern and worry: "Son, why have you done this to us? Your father and I have sought you anxiously!" Jesus gently rebukes her: "Did you not know that I must be about my Father's business?" Notice first that the age is twelve - the age of puberty, the time to get on with becoming a man. I never thought of this story as a manhood initiation rite, but it seems to me that is really what it is. Notice also that Jesus asserts that He is choosing to cleave to the Father, and "be about His business" now. This teaches us the key to boys becoming men - to choose a deep union with the Father, so that He becomes the center of our lives. Only thus will a proper masculinity begin to emerge; only thus can a boy become a man in Christ. The Bible says that Jesus went home with his parents and was obedient to them, but clearly the relationship was changed forevermore.

Dalbey relates the manhood initiation rite of the Ibo, a large Nigerian tribe. At the proper age, usually about twelve, the boy's father, the village elders, a drummer, and a man wearing a mask (symbolizing God) stand outside the boy and his mother's hut (the men have their own separate huts), and call out the boy: "Come out! Son of our people, come out!" The mother shouts back: "No! You can't have him, he's mine!" The tension builds, as the masked man bangs on the hut door, the drummer pounds away, and the elders and the boy's father continue to call to the boy, and the mother continues to resist. The choice is the boy's - he must finally decide to come out. When he does, he joins other called out boys in a two-week indoctrination into manhood in the forest, where they are taught manly skills from construction to hunting, followed by several days of fasting to learn spiritual disciplines. Finally, the boys are circumcised, and while they are healing they are taught tribal history. At the conclusion of this time, the young man returns to the village, but now he has his own hut. He no longer lives with his mother; he has become a young man. And, by nature of this ceremony, the mother has had the opportunity to consciously yield her control over the boy, and give him over to manhood, a thing of no small importance.

And what do we Americans do for manhood rites? You get your driver's license, you can buy cigarettes and beer, you can enlist in the armed services, and you can go to porn movies. Big deal! That's really impressive, isn't it?

A boy who has never had a father (or substitute fathers) to call him out from his mother's natural possessiveness to manhood can never look beyond women to discover his manhood, and will try to seek it in women through sexual relationships. The big lie in our society is that men become men in relation to women. But, that's a lie! Men become real men only in relation to God the Father. Why? Because, God is the only one who can supply us with the supernatural power to deny our natural passions, and develop the self-discipline that will make manly leaders out of us. Other men can "call out" the boys, and teach them many things about manhood, but God alone can give us the power to be real men.

Actually, only God the Father can bring about true femininity in women, as well. Why? Because, God is the only one who can give a woman the power to say "No!" to the controlling maternal step-mother that lives within her. (To understand what I'm saying, think about the difference between Rachel selfishly manipulating her favorite son, Jacob, to trick his brother Esau out of his birthright, on the one hand; and Hannah's self-denying prayer to Father God that if He would give her a son, she would surrender him to the Lord all his days, on the other. Rachel never saw Jacob again, after he had to flee for his life. Hannah saw her son Samuel become a great prophet in Israel. Which woman achieved her full femininity?) Other women can "call out" the girls, and teach them many things about being feminine wives and mothers, but God alone can give them the power to be real women.

This is why a personal relationship with Father God is so essential for both men and women to reach full masculinity and femininity. And the necessary role of our heavenly Father is reflected in the terribly important role earthly fathers are given to play in calling forth both masculinity in their sons and femininity in their daughters. Little girls will usually have their hearts open to their Dads, but if Dad does not bless, affirm, and praise his daughter's emerging femininity, that girl will feel wounded, and her feminine sexuality will be suppressed. She will either have serious self-esteem problems about herself as a woman, or take out her hurt and anger on other men, sometimes being drawn to the "bad boys," with whom she feels safer because she doesn't have to risk being hurt by giving her wounded heart to them.

Dalbey tells the story of his speaking at a "Daughters of the Father" event in a church, where he was telling the women that God the Father felt great joy at each one of their births. He says that on impulse he asked the men present to shout out "Hallelujah, it's a girl!" As the men shouted loudly and joyfully, the women all over the church began sobbing.

So, if fathers are needed to call forth both masculinity in boys and femininity in girls, what happens when fathers are absent or don't fulfill their roles properly with their children?

Welcome to America in 2008, where we have messed up families and increasing gender confusion!

The answer? First, identifying and understanding the problems through teaching and wise counseling. Second, instituting the kind of ministry programs in our local churches and fellowships that will address these needs in all of us. How desperately we need this deep kind of inner healing in our nation.

To close, here's a word of encouragement from the Biblical story of Jacob, the mama's boy. After his mother indulged her idolatry with him and caused him to flee for his life from his cheated brother's wrath, God watched over him and carefully guided his life. Jacob's nature (revealed by the meaning of his name in Hebrew - supplanter, deceiver, cheater) was dealt with by God Himself. When, after many years, Jacob is about to meet his brother on the morrow, and spends the night alone by the Brook Jabbok, an angel of God wrestles with him. As his thigh muscle is sprained, symbolizing the crippling of his natural strength and conniving nature, he is given a new name: Israel - meaning he who strives with God. Now, he has a new life; he is reborn into his true identity, his true masculinity. Even though his earthly father, Isaac, died without being able to call out his son Jacob into true manhood, God the Father got the job done.

And that should give hope to all of us.

The rest of Porgy ‘n Bess's "Summertime" goes like this:

"Your daddy's rich
And your mamma's good lookin'
So hush little baby
Don't you cry

One of these mornings
You're going to rise up singing
Then you'll spread your wings
And you'll take to the sky

But till that morning
There's a'nothing can harm you
With daddy and mamma standing by."

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